When my husband and I lived in Albany, Oregon with his brother we had a nice little two bed one bath apartment. We had both our pets, Our doggie and Our kitty. :) We chose to take a chance and move to this one place that we were to work off the rent and it was with horses so I thought WICKED right up my alley (I train horses and was a ranch hand for ten years) At the time I had decided to go off birth control. I had been on it sense I was 18 years old and I was 26 when I quit it. lol it didn't take long after I quit my Birth Control to become pregnant with our son Drako. I had to quit it because working in the garden at the ranch we stayed at it didn't take more then five minutes being in the sun and my skin blistered badly. It was really bad when I was younger. I didn't understand why it happened and it happened for Years! But it kept happening and when I quit taking the birth control got better :) I have no clue haha.
I had a normal monthly and then we had to move again because the lady got injured and no longer wanted us to be at her place. Even though I tried so hard to pick up slack lol but I understood. So we moved back into our apartment a lot of work. My husband and I figured out we got pregnant in that house hehe. But it wasn't until July that we found out we were pregnant. :) Though I had never been pregnant before had a feeling might have been pregnant and I tested June 27th and sure enough I got a positive but I thought it was a false positive and I thought nothing of it.
This was my test I thought was a fake lol I didn't know what to think. I didn't tell anyone and I kept going on with my life. I was a bit shocked but it wasn't a huge deal to me. I felt different and I couldn't put my finger on it :( But... It wasn't until July 1st or 2nd that I actually really took the tests lol When I first took the tests they were a positive (I hadn't even missed a period but it had been so very long sense I was off birth control I didn't know If I'd be regular or not. I wasn't sure of anything. My husband was very very supportive and excited! lol It was really cute how he acted :) hehe. I took the first test and it was a dollar tree brand. My neighbor said I'm not pregnant and that she had a test turn up like that and it was a false positive or even just a evaporation line. But I knew better! It was just a feeling I had! I couldn't shake it! I just KNEW.
So we tested again... This time with a better test and we did a expensive one from Fredmeyer. Sure enough I did it in the middle of the day and it said "POSITIVE" well it said "PREGNANT" on it. I was SHOCKED! Scared and didn't know what to do. We went out to the lake to tell my husbands Dad and he already knew. I don't know how he knew but he did lol it wasn't a shock to him but he was so happy for us :) Things were going great! Then July fourth came
The two big ones and dollar tree :)
The Goofy Photo
July Fourth came around and everything was good. :) I went into the bathroom and saw some blood and I freaked! I was so scared but I didn't want to ruin the holidays for my husband who was cooking a great meal for everyone. I didn't want to ruin everyone's day, but my husband knew. As I silently cried in the bathroom thinking the worst he took me by the hand and said,
"Baby we'll get through this, it's okay" he hugged me and then went to tell the others we were going to the ER. He softly grabbed my hand and lead me into our car and slowly took me to the Er.
"Baby we'll get through this, it's okay" he hugged me and then went to tell the others we were going to the ER. He softly grabbed my hand and lead me into our car and slowly took me to the Er.
The ER!
So we get to the Er in Albany... It was HORRIFIC! I wasn't bleeding any more by this time, but the ER doctor swore up and down I was having a "Threatened Miscarriage" He wouldn't have it any other way. He even went as far to say that I could have a tubal pregnancy and a pregnancy in the uterus. He told me it was rare but it happens. It was HELL!
We waited at least 6 hours, I had at least 12 vials of blood taken and had an ultrasound. Waiting there we watched King of the Hill and all I could think of was... If I lose my son, what will I do? What am I doing in here? My husband is missing the holiday. He loves this holiday. We left our neighbors with the grill and our door wide open. What about the pets. So much was in my head. The verdict didn't change. EVEN though the blood work came back great and I had stopped bleeding. The doctor still insisted it could be a tubal and it could be a threatened miscarriage. Nothing you tell a new-be mom! I was devastated and my husband was wrecked! Our dreams were ruined for that day. They told me I had to go see another doctor a few days later to make sure my blood levels are rising. It was horrible waiting those days. That night we missed everything but our friends kept the fire works for when we got back. I went straight to bed and rested. I didn't want to take a risk because they told me to do bed rest. My husband heated up a great burger for me and I ate while I watched on my IPhone (Only thing I liked about the IPhone was the fact that you could do face time) my husband lighting off fireworks and enjoying his time with our friends :) I was happy that he was able to enjoy his time because I was still a wreck. Though I had all this comfort food and I was comfortable I couldn't help but have my mind wander. The only thing that kept me sane was my husband and my pets lol They kept me sane :) Few days later we got blood work and it was all good... I eventually went to go live with my mom because we were facing a eviction and a move and he didn't want me to deal with that drama. So My mom came to pick me up :)
Below are photos at the ER.
We waited at least 6 hours, I had at least 12 vials of blood taken and had an ultrasound. Waiting there we watched King of the Hill and all I could think of was... If I lose my son, what will I do? What am I doing in here? My husband is missing the holiday. He loves this holiday. We left our neighbors with the grill and our door wide open. What about the pets. So much was in my head. The verdict didn't change. EVEN though the blood work came back great and I had stopped bleeding. The doctor still insisted it could be a tubal and it could be a threatened miscarriage. Nothing you tell a new-be mom! I was devastated and my husband was wrecked! Our dreams were ruined for that day. They told me I had to go see another doctor a few days later to make sure my blood levels are rising. It was horrible waiting those days. That night we missed everything but our friends kept the fire works for when we got back. I went straight to bed and rested. I didn't want to take a risk because they told me to do bed rest. My husband heated up a great burger for me and I ate while I watched on my IPhone (Only thing I liked about the IPhone was the fact that you could do face time) my husband lighting off fireworks and enjoying his time with our friends :) I was happy that he was able to enjoy his time because I was still a wreck. Though I had all this comfort food and I was comfortable I couldn't help but have my mind wander. The only thing that kept me sane was my husband and my pets lol They kept me sane :) Few days later we got blood work and it was all good... I eventually went to go live with my mom because we were facing a eviction and a move and he didn't want me to deal with that drama. So My mom came to pick me up :)
Below are photos at the ER.
Over thinking
Stole a photo of the wee one
King of the hill Playing. 
Trying to be Brave but scared to death! At my Moms
As my husband was packing us all up I had a bad spill... I was showering and all of a sudden I got the light headed feeling. I knew it was coming so I tried to get out of the shower and I reached for the towel. As I reached for the towel I leaned forward and was SHOVED backwards. I slammed my back against the wall and fell into the kitty liter in the bathroom. My Mom heard the bang and didn't think much (You know things happen like shampoo falls down lol so sometimes its nothing serious) I reached for the towel again and barely got it around me and barely Opened the door when I blacked out again. My Mom saw the black out and was shocked because again I was thrown backwards. This time I felt a hand on my chest throw me backwards. (But for the record if I didn't get thrown backwards I would've hit my belly on the bathroom counter and that would've been worse) My Moms said my feet went out from underneath me and I was thrown backwards I don't remember much of it all I remember is I somehow got wedged between the door and the wall and broke the door handle with the side of my head lol and messed up the door pretty badly. My Mom desperately tried to get into the bathroom and I finally came to and was able to open the door and she helped me get dressed and I got ready to go to the ER. We went to the Urgent care and they took my blood pressure, my blood sugar everything was okay. We were joking about how hard I hit and how busted the door was but how I had NO marks on my face from it. No bruising no scuffs (My temple hit the door handle) no head damage. They told us to go the ER so we went to the ER. Waited and waited. I told them about the fear I had about my little one and they told me this early baby is safe and it's okay baby has no damage. But they were worried about my blacking out so they threw me on a IV for fluids and I got my color back. My husband got wind of it I think either I called or my Mom did. He wanted to just stop everything and rush to my side but my Mom reassured him that I was fine and I'd be taken care of :) So After the IV I felt like a new woman (Lesson to ya'll out there DO NOT GET DEHYDRATED LOL ) First time in my life having a IV I was scared. I thought the air bubbles would come into my arm lol and that everything was going to kill me and the next door person made me uncomfortable because I was afraid they'd come over by me and rip out my IV I didn't know what to expect. But MY gosh it was scary. They blamed it on dehydration and sent me home after I got the IV.
Below are photos from the ER then... IF you look closely at my chest you can see a hand mark on my chest it was creepy.
Below are photos from the ER then... IF you look closely at my chest you can see a hand mark on my chest it was creepy.
Lesson Learned NEVER have a IV there
My IV Fluids that helped me out :)
I love how they always manage to pinch you!
After I got my fluids MUCH better feeling and brighter
Icky blood. Felt like I was in there forever
Before I went in. If you look at me closely you can see a mark on my chest (Below picture)
More Icky Blood this really freaked me out
After the scare my husband finally got to my Moms and unloaded everything into storage. He got a great job and things were going great :) I found a doctor I liked a LOT who laughed at my worries and made me feel so comfortable :) He was the most laid back doctor ever :) Told me that bleeding sometimes happens, told me that any thing they see in my fallopian tubes could be just simply the thing that is SUPPOSED to be there to keep the pregnancy viable. He really reassured me about everything and I was happy to have him. He was ranked the best and he was in many magazines and just all round great doctor. Never pushed me, never did anything I didn't want him to do. I was happy. I thought everything was Okay..... Boy I was wrong!
THE NEWS!
Things were going perfect and I was so happy to go to my First ultrasound. My husband and I waited patiently and I was sweating bullets because I had heard my babys heartbeat but I hadn't actually seen him. I was so so excited to see him. I was in the waiting room running through EVERYTHING in my head, What if something is wrong? what if it's all okay? Are we really ready for a child? This wasn't planned, what if something seriously is wrong with our baby? What if it's a boy?
We finally went in and we did the ultrasound. I loved seeing our little child kicking the ultrasound probe. He had so much life, so much to his little body even at 12 weeks. But there was a shadow. The shadow of what was to come. My heart sank, he didn't look like the other babies I saw on ultrasound. My husband just saw a little baby. I saw the loss before everyone else. The doctor got done with the ultrasound and asked us to go wait in the waiting room. Sitting in the same spot my husband was so excited to see him and was so hyper and wanted to see more of our baby. I grabbed his hand and said,
"Honey, I saw something that shouldn't be there" he looked at me and said,
"What do you mean?" I honestly couldn't put my finger on it but I started to break out in a sweat and my heart raced. I was devastated. I knew something was off. (Mothers intuition) The doctor walked out and asked us to come back in. We went back in and I dragged my feet knowing it wouldn't be good news. I hopped up on the table and took a deep breath as the nurse said the doc would be back in soon. My husband was confused and didn't know what to think. He thought all was good. But he didn't see what I saw. The doctor walked in and the first thing he said was,
"You know your baby is a boy right?" I looked at my husband and he looked at me and we both looked at the doctor and said together,
"No we didn't know he was a boy" The doctor sat down and proceeded to tell us that this condition is mainly in boys and that he wanted me to go to a specialist to get a second guess cause he didn't know if it was something he saw or if it was a fluke, he wanted to make sure. My husband had so many questions to ask, as I just sat there fearing the worst. I didn't know what to expect or think. I tried to put it behind me and ignore it all. I couldn't believe this was happening. He told us that there's a chance that he has a bladder obstruction but he wasn't sure. He saw a black mass on the baby and he just wanted to get a better ultrasound machine to recheck it. We didn't get any Ultrasound pictures from that day.
We finally went in and we did the ultrasound. I loved seeing our little child kicking the ultrasound probe. He had so much life, so much to his little body even at 12 weeks. But there was a shadow. The shadow of what was to come. My heart sank, he didn't look like the other babies I saw on ultrasound. My husband just saw a little baby. I saw the loss before everyone else. The doctor got done with the ultrasound and asked us to go wait in the waiting room. Sitting in the same spot my husband was so excited to see him and was so hyper and wanted to see more of our baby. I grabbed his hand and said,
"Honey, I saw something that shouldn't be there" he looked at me and said,
"What do you mean?" I honestly couldn't put my finger on it but I started to break out in a sweat and my heart raced. I was devastated. I knew something was off. (Mothers intuition) The doctor walked out and asked us to come back in. We went back in and I dragged my feet knowing it wouldn't be good news. I hopped up on the table and took a deep breath as the nurse said the doc would be back in soon. My husband was confused and didn't know what to think. He thought all was good. But he didn't see what I saw. The doctor walked in and the first thing he said was,
"You know your baby is a boy right?" I looked at my husband and he looked at me and we both looked at the doctor and said together,
"No we didn't know he was a boy" The doctor sat down and proceeded to tell us that this condition is mainly in boys and that he wanted me to go to a specialist to get a second guess cause he didn't know if it was something he saw or if it was a fluke, he wanted to make sure. My husband had so many questions to ask, as I just sat there fearing the worst. I didn't know what to expect or think. I tried to put it behind me and ignore it all. I couldn't believe this was happening. He told us that there's a chance that he has a bladder obstruction but he wasn't sure. He saw a black mass on the baby and he just wanted to get a better ultrasound machine to recheck it. We didn't get any Ultrasound pictures from that day.
The Specialist
I was scared to death to call the specialist. My husband and I were looking at apartments to rent, he was doing great in his work and was getting the hang of it. We were ready to start our family despite the news. We were hopeful! It took me a week to call the specialist, but I remember the day I called them. It was a beautiful day and I was sitting in our SUV waiting for my husband to come back out. I got an appointment in a few days. When my husband came in I told him that we had the appointment to see if our son was truly sick or not. He took a deep breath and held my hand and said,
"I'm here for you baby"
"I'm here for you baby"
The day of the appointment
The day that changed our lives for EVER came FAST and Swift! It was here before I knew it and I wasn't ready yet for it. But we sat there. I filled out the forms and we waited, waited and waited! Finally we got in there and it's all kinda a blur to me to be honest. :( They did the ultrasound, confirmed that our son was indeed sick. He wasn't as active as he was a week in a half earlier. In fact they had to kinda poke him to get him moving to see everything and that's when we saw it. His big bladder. I asked what is that, they told me that it was his bladder. It was about 15mm and that it was to far past being able to put a stunt in it and it was to far past fixing.
They told me that he'd never be normal, that he'd always have bladder infections. He'd never be able to pee. He would need kidney transplants by the time he was born (The damage was starting to be seen from the urine flowing back into his kidneys because he couldn't pee) he would need tubes in him and he'd always have a huge belly. I broke down and cried, I asked if theres ANYTHING they could do. They told me they could Attempt a stunt, or even just drain his bladder but that puts him at risk for a miscarriage and puts me at risk for spontaneous labor and infection. Sense the uterus wasn't as big as it should've been and sense he was so far gone already I had already made my choice. They told me the best bet would be to end the pregnancy. To "Terminate" which is something NO mother wants to hear :( my husband was just numbed to everything. He was shocked and gave me the opportunity to make the choice before him (Though he and I made the choice mentally before anyone else did) It was devastating. They informed me that they could do a D & E and end it that way. As a youngin I used to look up Abortions (Because I knew a few who did it and I was curious what would happen and I got into reading a lot about them and second term abortions and all that) so I knew exactly what would be done to my precious son. I asked them if they could Stop his heart, or put him to sleep. The told me because there a catholic hospital that they couldn't do that it's against their religion (Yea ending my sons life before you pull him apart piece by piece is against their religion but they'll do it while he's alive feeling pain) They reassured me he feels NO pain. Bull... I knew he felt pain because I felt his pain daily (Every time I went pee and all that my kidneys and bladder killed me even before I found out about him) I was distraught and pissed off. I told them I'm not pursuing that and I'd continue the pregnancy unless they can find a better way! They told me that I should give it a day to think about it and then come back the next day. SOMETIMES these things do resolve themselves. I asked them what would happen if I continued and his bladder blew and he would be able to pee that way they said it's possible but puts me at risk and if I didn't get sick from it they could possibly stitch him up when he's born but he had no core muscles and that everything was crunched up in his chest. His heart was compromised, His intestines were compromised and his lungs might not even grow!
We came back the next day and he jumped up by 10 he was much bigger. Poor baby boy. My son Drako was dieing. This time she really had to press to get him to move. I watched him slowly move around, in agony and pain. I knew what I had to do but I DID not want a surgical procedure. I was very happy when they told me that I could go up to Portland to have him by delivery. I told them that's what I'll do. Labor and Delivery. They were shocked because most women opt for the easy medical procedure but I don't think that's fully true. Any mother given the option would take the labor and delivery. They told me he wouldn't make it through the delivery. I told them that's fine. At least it would be my body that ends his life and he wouldn't feel much pain.
They told me that he'd never be normal, that he'd always have bladder infections. He'd never be able to pee. He would need kidney transplants by the time he was born (The damage was starting to be seen from the urine flowing back into his kidneys because he couldn't pee) he would need tubes in him and he'd always have a huge belly. I broke down and cried, I asked if theres ANYTHING they could do. They told me they could Attempt a stunt, or even just drain his bladder but that puts him at risk for a miscarriage and puts me at risk for spontaneous labor and infection. Sense the uterus wasn't as big as it should've been and sense he was so far gone already I had already made my choice. They told me the best bet would be to end the pregnancy. To "Terminate" which is something NO mother wants to hear :( my husband was just numbed to everything. He was shocked and gave me the opportunity to make the choice before him (Though he and I made the choice mentally before anyone else did) It was devastating. They informed me that they could do a D & E and end it that way. As a youngin I used to look up Abortions (Because I knew a few who did it and I was curious what would happen and I got into reading a lot about them and second term abortions and all that) so I knew exactly what would be done to my precious son. I asked them if they could Stop his heart, or put him to sleep. The told me because there a catholic hospital that they couldn't do that it's against their religion (Yea ending my sons life before you pull him apart piece by piece is against their religion but they'll do it while he's alive feeling pain) They reassured me he feels NO pain. Bull... I knew he felt pain because I felt his pain daily (Every time I went pee and all that my kidneys and bladder killed me even before I found out about him) I was distraught and pissed off. I told them I'm not pursuing that and I'd continue the pregnancy unless they can find a better way! They told me that I should give it a day to think about it and then come back the next day. SOMETIMES these things do resolve themselves. I asked them what would happen if I continued and his bladder blew and he would be able to pee that way they said it's possible but puts me at risk and if I didn't get sick from it they could possibly stitch him up when he's born but he had no core muscles and that everything was crunched up in his chest. His heart was compromised, His intestines were compromised and his lungs might not even grow!
We came back the next day and he jumped up by 10 he was much bigger. Poor baby boy. My son Drako was dieing. This time she really had to press to get him to move. I watched him slowly move around, in agony and pain. I knew what I had to do but I DID not want a surgical procedure. I was very happy when they told me that I could go up to Portland to have him by delivery. I told them that's what I'll do. Labor and Delivery. They were shocked because most women opt for the easy medical procedure but I don't think that's fully true. Any mother given the option would take the labor and delivery. They told me he wouldn't make it through the delivery. I told them that's fine. At least it would be my body that ends his life and he wouldn't feel much pain.
Portland!
so the time came that we had to call up the doctor in Portland. I put it off as long as I could. I wasn't ready one bit. My Mom being supportive did the call for me to make an appointment. All I could do was cry, I cried for hours and then got numb. My Husband and my Mom handled most of everything. The hotel stay and the food. They were a great help for me :)
We had the appointment for Sept 19th. So we drove up Sept 18th and stayed in Beaverton.
On the drive up my Husband and Mom stopped periodically to have a smoke which gave me time alone with little Drako. One stop by a Sherries half way between Salem and Portland my Husband and Mom stopped to smoke, as I watched them (And wanting a smoke badly) I started to cry. Silently tears rolled down my eyes. That's when Drako came to me. It was the strangest moment of my life. I smile about it now just like it brought a smile to my face then. Everything went black around me and in front of me was this sweet blue eyed boy. In a blue baseball cap and a blue shirt. He touched my chin and lifted my head and wiped my tears away. Smiled a crooked smile then gave me a hug I'll never EVER forget! It was amazing. He wrapped his arms around my arms (Outside of my arms) and locked his hands behind me and rested his head on my chest. I felt so safe and calm then. After that, I felt like he was telling me it's okay Mommy your doing the right choice for me. I didn't feel guilty, I didn't feel pain. I felt like this baby body was just a body and that my son's spirit was all around me instead of in this little body. I can't explain the feeling. I told my Husband and my Mom and they were blown away. They both saw a calmness about me after that. I kept smiling for no reason. lol I'd just think of that warm hug and I'd feel calm and relaxed and happy :) He looked so much like his Daddy. He was so perfect! So perfect!
We get to Beaverton and I enjoyed a good hamburger and my husband laid with Drakos blanket that would wrap around him afterwards. I fell asleep and the next day came sooner then I thought.
We had the appointment for Sept 19th. So we drove up Sept 18th and stayed in Beaverton.
On the drive up my Husband and Mom stopped periodically to have a smoke which gave me time alone with little Drako. One stop by a Sherries half way between Salem and Portland my Husband and Mom stopped to smoke, as I watched them (And wanting a smoke badly) I started to cry. Silently tears rolled down my eyes. That's when Drako came to me. It was the strangest moment of my life. I smile about it now just like it brought a smile to my face then. Everything went black around me and in front of me was this sweet blue eyed boy. In a blue baseball cap and a blue shirt. He touched my chin and lifted my head and wiped my tears away. Smiled a crooked smile then gave me a hug I'll never EVER forget! It was amazing. He wrapped his arms around my arms (Outside of my arms) and locked his hands behind me and rested his head on my chest. I felt so safe and calm then. After that, I felt like he was telling me it's okay Mommy your doing the right choice for me. I didn't feel guilty, I didn't feel pain. I felt like this baby body was just a body and that my son's spirit was all around me instead of in this little body. I can't explain the feeling. I told my Husband and my Mom and they were blown away. They both saw a calmness about me after that. I kept smiling for no reason. lol I'd just think of that warm hug and I'd feel calm and relaxed and happy :) He looked so much like his Daddy. He was so perfect! So perfect!
We get to Beaverton and I enjoyed a good hamburger and my husband laid with Drakos blanket that would wrap around him afterwards. I fell asleep and the next day came sooner then I thought.
The Day!
So the day came... We get to the hospital and I'm still calm in a way. It was strange how calm I was. We got the last ultrasound pictures of Our son. I remember sitting shedding a tear or two about the application I had to fill out. My hands kept shaking but internally I was calm. In the ultrasound room sat my Husband, My Mom and My Father who I hadn't seen for a while. After the ultrasound the doc gave me a pill to start the Induction. I asked him one last time if there was ANY way we could have saved him. The doc told me that his lungs were compressed and weren't even going to form. He told me that he wouldn't even survive till birth. His bladder would just keep getting bigger and bigger. I asked him,
"Am I making the right choice" the doc looked at me and put his hand on my shoulder and told me,
"I believe with this case, yes you are" He told me the pill was to start the induction, and told me where to go after that. So down the hatch that pill went. We walked to the elevator and went up to the labor and delivery. I held a smile talking to the nurses and tried to keep a good spirit about me. I got into my room, and they gave me another set of pills that my husband helped me out with. He didn't want me to do everything and he wanted to share in the burden with me. I broke down and cried. The nurses told me it could take up to 24 hours to even get started.
As I laid on the bed a few hours later I started to cramp. Rushing to the Bathroom every few minutes to go potty because for some reason it cleared EVERYTHING out. I was starting to get massive pain and it was massive mentally and physically. I had so many emotions running through my mind. I begged for an anxiety pill to calm my heart and blood pressure and they gave me the best they had and it did nothing to me. So they set me up to a IV because I was getting badly dehydrated. I asked if they could put the IV in my forearm and they did. They were so kind to me. :) In walks my cousin who gave me a very amazing gift and told me how strong I was and she was so proud of me and to hang in there. Then in walks my husbands best friend and his GF First time meeting the GF (What a way to met her haha) she was in good spirits though. I had asked the nurses if they could give me pain killers for the mental and physical pain. I wanted to just be NUMB! I didn't want to feel anything emotionally or anything. lol So as I talked to my Husband, cousin and my husbands friend and GF I started to feel funky. Everything was in tunnel vision lol the sounds were foggy. I loved it. I FELT NO PAIN AT ALL!
I go WTF just happened? The nurse laughed and said she just gave me some pain killers. I thanked her over and over. She told me she'd be in every hour to give me more. By this time it was four or five hours into it. The pain killers wore off within a half hour (I'm high on pain meds it wears off fast) so I had a half hour to wait to get the next dose. After about a hour or two of me NOT contacting them and riving in agony they set me up to a push button. After a little while the push button pain killers stopped working on me so they had to keep upping the dose. It was every 45 minutes.
I went to the bathroom one last time and went to go sit on the bed and all of a sudden a gush happened. The only people in the room was my Mom, My Dad and my Husband. I thought I pooed myself lol because of what happened earlier that day rushing to the bathroom every five minutes but nope it was my water. It was 11 at night 12 hours after the first dose. They quoted me at least 24 to 48 hours before delivery.
After my water broke it went fast... The pain was intense, I couldn't push no matter how hard I tried. It didn't feel right and my body didn't want to push. It's hard to explain that moment. The nurse and doctor were SO very delicate with my little son. His skin was bright red, so fragile. The pain killers didn't help with the delivery and though they were willing to keep me hooked up to them after he was born I opted out of it because all the pain was gone. My Mom said when he was born he gasped a few times. The nurses told me that was just them moving him and opening his little mouth. When they sat him on my chest that's when I lost it. My precious baby boy was in my arms and lifeless. I asked if I could see if it was truly a boy or not. They lifted up his little legs and he did a hard kick and gasp and My husband and I sad we loved him and he's everything to us and he passed away. The nurses and docs say that he passed way before and it was a nerve response. But I like to believe that he was alive to feel Daddys touch and Mommys touch.
Half way through the labor the hospital told us we can't cremate him alone there (He'd be cremated with other babys and buried with other babys) so I asked if I could have him when he was delivered and they said they'd be more then happy to let me do my own burial. So that's what I did. During labor also I wanted to marry my Husband. I told him I didn't care if it was then and there but I wanted to be his forever because he's never left my side. He stood by me through it all.
I was so exhausted that I just about fell asleep in my mash potatoes they gave me. It was 12:45 when he was born. He was 6.5 Inches at 6.5 Oz at 16 weeks.
they took his tendons (Both legs) So they could do genetic testing (That came back he had no genetic flaws so it was a fluke thing that happened)
(PHOTOS WILL BE PUT IN ANOTHER CLICKABLE LINK. Warning though. They can trigger some memories for some. That's why I'm not putting any photos up on here of him. They will be in all clickable links that you can click and go through only if you want to)
"Am I making the right choice" the doc looked at me and put his hand on my shoulder and told me,
"I believe with this case, yes you are" He told me the pill was to start the induction, and told me where to go after that. So down the hatch that pill went. We walked to the elevator and went up to the labor and delivery. I held a smile talking to the nurses and tried to keep a good spirit about me. I got into my room, and they gave me another set of pills that my husband helped me out with. He didn't want me to do everything and he wanted to share in the burden with me. I broke down and cried. The nurses told me it could take up to 24 hours to even get started.
As I laid on the bed a few hours later I started to cramp. Rushing to the Bathroom every few minutes to go potty because for some reason it cleared EVERYTHING out. I was starting to get massive pain and it was massive mentally and physically. I had so many emotions running through my mind. I begged for an anxiety pill to calm my heart and blood pressure and they gave me the best they had and it did nothing to me. So they set me up to a IV because I was getting badly dehydrated. I asked if they could put the IV in my forearm and they did. They were so kind to me. :) In walks my cousin who gave me a very amazing gift and told me how strong I was and she was so proud of me and to hang in there. Then in walks my husbands best friend and his GF First time meeting the GF (What a way to met her haha) she was in good spirits though. I had asked the nurses if they could give me pain killers for the mental and physical pain. I wanted to just be NUMB! I didn't want to feel anything emotionally or anything. lol So as I talked to my Husband, cousin and my husbands friend and GF I started to feel funky. Everything was in tunnel vision lol the sounds were foggy. I loved it. I FELT NO PAIN AT ALL!
I go WTF just happened? The nurse laughed and said she just gave me some pain killers. I thanked her over and over. She told me she'd be in every hour to give me more. By this time it was four or five hours into it. The pain killers wore off within a half hour (I'm high on pain meds it wears off fast) so I had a half hour to wait to get the next dose. After about a hour or two of me NOT contacting them and riving in agony they set me up to a push button. After a little while the push button pain killers stopped working on me so they had to keep upping the dose. It was every 45 minutes.
I went to the bathroom one last time and went to go sit on the bed and all of a sudden a gush happened. The only people in the room was my Mom, My Dad and my Husband. I thought I pooed myself lol because of what happened earlier that day rushing to the bathroom every five minutes but nope it was my water. It was 11 at night 12 hours after the first dose. They quoted me at least 24 to 48 hours before delivery.
After my water broke it went fast... The pain was intense, I couldn't push no matter how hard I tried. It didn't feel right and my body didn't want to push. It's hard to explain that moment. The nurse and doctor were SO very delicate with my little son. His skin was bright red, so fragile. The pain killers didn't help with the delivery and though they were willing to keep me hooked up to them after he was born I opted out of it because all the pain was gone. My Mom said when he was born he gasped a few times. The nurses told me that was just them moving him and opening his little mouth. When they sat him on my chest that's when I lost it. My precious baby boy was in my arms and lifeless. I asked if I could see if it was truly a boy or not. They lifted up his little legs and he did a hard kick and gasp and My husband and I sad we loved him and he's everything to us and he passed away. The nurses and docs say that he passed way before and it was a nerve response. But I like to believe that he was alive to feel Daddys touch and Mommys touch.
Half way through the labor the hospital told us we can't cremate him alone there (He'd be cremated with other babys and buried with other babys) so I asked if I could have him when he was delivered and they said they'd be more then happy to let me do my own burial. So that's what I did. During labor also I wanted to marry my Husband. I told him I didn't care if it was then and there but I wanted to be his forever because he's never left my side. He stood by me through it all.
I was so exhausted that I just about fell asleep in my mash potatoes they gave me. It was 12:45 when he was born. He was 6.5 Inches at 6.5 Oz at 16 weeks.
they took his tendons (Both legs) So they could do genetic testing (That came back he had no genetic flaws so it was a fluke thing that happened)
(PHOTOS WILL BE PUT IN ANOTHER CLICKABLE LINK. Warning though. They can trigger some memories for some. That's why I'm not putting any photos up on here of him. They will be in all clickable links that you can click and go through only if you want to)
The next week
The next week is Kind of a blur to me. I remember the next day I was discharged and the nurses said that I was the best lady they had. I was so full of spirit and so sweet through the whole ordeal. They were proud to be my nurses and doctor :)
I went back to the hotel room and I remember hanging with my Husbands friend and his GF and we were all playing pool no more then 15 hours after the delivery and I made a joke lol that I just had a child the night before and I'm playing pool so my husbands friends GF didn't have a excuse and that was enough for her to come play pool lol
The bartender was so kind to me and they gave me such great hamburgers. I craved bloody burgers lol NEVER IN MY LIFE have I craved bloody anything lol but I had like seven of them.
The time came to get my son, and I was retraining myself how to smoke in the car lol because I wanted a way to take the pain away and it was either alcohol or smoking. I chose smoking lol it kept the edge off and kept me sane. I remember walking through the hospital and it was so dark. We parked on the wrong side so we had to walk through where we just were at and it felt like silent hill. It was creepy. Finally we got to civilization and we got our son.
Got back to the car and he was in a box with a beautiful hand made quilt. But I didn't want him in there anymore I felt he was not rested! So we opened it and found out he had three tags on him. My husband took out his knife and took them off gently. We put him back in the box and put him between us. We had a cig and then went to Kmart I think and got a Ice chest, some Plastic bags and came back to the hotel. Got into the room and my husband had a great Idea to cut up the bed he slept on and lay it under our son. So in the cooler Drako had ice under this nice comfy bed. Ice on both sides of him. And Ice over him to keep him till we got to the morgue in Sweet Home. While I was driving to the store I swear I heard my son bouncing off the walls in the back seat of the vehicle. I'd glance back to get like a faint image of a boy hyper on sugar just weaving back and fourth excited to be with us. He kept peeking his head between the two front seats saying." Mommy" I shrugged it off as I was either going insane lol or it was just because I was overly stressed. But gosh in the store... That was crazy too. I kinda veered off on my own to get new clothing. (Which sadly was right next to the baby area) as I noticed the baby area my heart sank and I started to tear up. I couldn't help but feel completely Devastated and just shattered. That's when I heard a little voice again,
"Momma, Moma, Mommy, Mommy" I thought I was seriously going insane. But I am a spiritual woman so I thought it is possible that maybe he was trying to get my attention so I kinda tried to say silently but I don't think I did because I was glared at lol by a old lady who probably thought I had gone BONKERS! I said, "What son" and I heard a reply not so much outside as it was in my heart and it said in a soft voice, "I'm here Mommy" I dropped and tried to hold myself together. I mean heck I was in a store lol I couldn't just break down. I've seen videos of people on youtube who just break down and have a nervous break down I didn't want that. So I picked myself up, walked to the bra section and said, "Son I want you here in my belly not as spirit form" and I felt this little cold breeze touch my hand. I decided to open my hand and this little tiny grip held onto it. Felt like my nephews hand when he was around six years old and I just held this little invisible hand for minutes and he told me in my heart that he will be back. I don't fully remember if he said the next pregnancy will be a girl but he did say he'd have a sister and then he'd be back :)
By this time my husband came back and I begged him to not walk by the babys stuff but we did (I didn't want to be soured from everything because of this freak accident) but It was too soon. I couldn't take it.
I turned to my husband and once again glared at by many onlookers as I cried in his chest and shook. He rushed me out of that area. Then we went and got his cooler
We drove home with a leak in our power steering (Someone vandalized our rig in the parkinglot) but we made it.
Got into a hotel in Sweet Home and my Husband wanted to do a Viking Burial. But the weather wasn't good enough. I started chain smoking and was dealing with pain mentally and physically. Only time we could See Drako was when we changed out his ice. :( But I snuck peaks of him at times. I wasn't ready to let him go any time soon but one day about a week later I felt it was time and we took him to the morgue and the guy did a free cremation for him. He told me that he had done a few babies before and that our son was the best looking and best preserved he's ever seen. He knew that we loved our son more then anything :)
Few days later we came and got the news paper with his obituary and we picked up his ashes. His ashes stayed with us until we got married a month later.
The next year is kinda a blur. Lots of Drama, Lots of pain. Suffering on both parts. My husband Lost his job because of the time off he did for the funeral and time we were in Portland. After that we lived house to house. Moved to Texas in 2014 hoping for a new start. But I got deeper and deeper in a depression. I went to some places and asked for help with my depression told them my story and they told me I wasn't depressed enough to be considered for immediate help.
Eventually I knew what would help me and I ran with it. :) There was this kitten next door that needed to be saved. She was so sickly and was going to die. She wasn't more then a month old if that. A baby kitten. My husband asked if that would make me happy and I told him yes. So... We got her food, went to the neighbors and asked if we could take he and he was more then willing to let us. I held her like I held my son and she just looked at me. Weak, shaking, glazed eyes but she just watched me.
We did end up sleeping in our car in the Texas summer (It was July) my Husband gave up his job so he could stay with me and I could stay in a cool place away from the humidity (It was 100s for days) we stayed in our car for a few weeks staying in hotels when we could. Eventually moved back to Oregon.
The one year anniversary came up very quickly but I dreaded it more then I should have. It wasn't as bad as I thought to be honest. We went to where we let his ashes go and spoke to him. In honor of Drako we decided to let fate decide about children and try again. We expected it to take months. It only took half a month and now were expecting our first little daughter (Which is one reason why I wrote this, she gives me the strength to face this hardship again. It was time to share our sons story)
The weird things is though when Drako was born.... That day a lot of strange things happened. The bathroom door slammed shut (That thing was HEAVY) and locked. That spooked the nurses. lol When Drako left his body the lights above us shook and flickered off and on. Which freaked the nurses and doc out. My husband and I laughed a bit at it. We knew who it was and knew he was a strong boy :)
The hard parts of the loss was.. In Texas I did a photography shoot (Because that's what I do I'm a photographer) and I thought you know it would be a easy peasy walk around and take photos of kids and families. I can do this. It was about 9 months after the loss. It WASN'T just walking around... NOooooo They had me posing little kids with their families for this Dino thing. I was supposed to get the little kids to look up and act scared of this dinosaur they'd Photoshop in. Oh man that was so hard on me. I thought WTH is wrong with me, I'm tough I can do this. My husband caught onto it fast and knew that I wouldn't be able to do it and he kept asking me are you Sure you want to do this honey. He was fully supportive and even though he was doing a job interview He still picked me up the minute I called crying.
It hit me when I saw my hundredth (Felt like that) Little kid that would've been my sons age enjoying the park theme they had set up and the look in their eyes and the magic. It killed me. I felt so bad that I quit right then and there but I couldn't breath, I was going to pass out, I was trying SO hard to hold back the tears. I wasn't there to bring others down but to bring them up and bring them the best experience. I couldn't provide that so I walked. The lady understood, paid me my messily 20 bucks and I went out side chain smoked and waited for my husband lol I couldn't escape the baby stuff though cause just across the way was a infant seminar. I was SO angry with myself that I walked away from that job simply because I "couldn't handle it" but my husband understood, My Mother in law understood. I think I was the hardest on myself to be honest. I pride myself on not being weak and I sure felt weak that day. If I tried it again, I probably would've had the same thing happen. I've come to learn and accept that there are things I just can't do. That doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't even make me weak because I went in there, I tried my hardest, Yes I broke down but I tried lol and that's what my husband spent the next few days telling me :)
This was one of the hardest parts, except for when I held my brothers son (Who was a week younger then my son) I had to hold him before I lost my son and then about almost a year later I was holding him again. Gotta face those fears ya'll and just keep on trucking :)
The photos attached to the link below show our son. He is no longer alive in the photos (Yes, Some might think it's strange but when he's already passed you can't really get photos of him alive and I didn't want to go without photos of him) their are photos of his whole body after the morgue because they took him from me to quickly to get any photos of him. Then their are photos VERY VERY Emotional photos of when I first held him.
Click at your own will.
I'm sharing because I am not ashamed nor saddened by him. He is NOT ugly in my eyes. He's a very handsome baby boy and I am choosing to share these emotionally deep photos in hopes of helping someone who might need the help like I did during the Search for Bladder Obstruction.
IF you came to this because your facing the same situation... Feel free to contact me I'll always help you.
It does get better. :)
Thank you for reading the story of Our son Drako Dawn Lacey.
Raven!
I went back to the hotel room and I remember hanging with my Husbands friend and his GF and we were all playing pool no more then 15 hours after the delivery and I made a joke lol that I just had a child the night before and I'm playing pool so my husbands friends GF didn't have a excuse and that was enough for her to come play pool lol
The bartender was so kind to me and they gave me such great hamburgers. I craved bloody burgers lol NEVER IN MY LIFE have I craved bloody anything lol but I had like seven of them.
The time came to get my son, and I was retraining myself how to smoke in the car lol because I wanted a way to take the pain away and it was either alcohol or smoking. I chose smoking lol it kept the edge off and kept me sane. I remember walking through the hospital and it was so dark. We parked on the wrong side so we had to walk through where we just were at and it felt like silent hill. It was creepy. Finally we got to civilization and we got our son.
Got back to the car and he was in a box with a beautiful hand made quilt. But I didn't want him in there anymore I felt he was not rested! So we opened it and found out he had three tags on him. My husband took out his knife and took them off gently. We put him back in the box and put him between us. We had a cig and then went to Kmart I think and got a Ice chest, some Plastic bags and came back to the hotel. Got into the room and my husband had a great Idea to cut up the bed he slept on and lay it under our son. So in the cooler Drako had ice under this nice comfy bed. Ice on both sides of him. And Ice over him to keep him till we got to the morgue in Sweet Home. While I was driving to the store I swear I heard my son bouncing off the walls in the back seat of the vehicle. I'd glance back to get like a faint image of a boy hyper on sugar just weaving back and fourth excited to be with us. He kept peeking his head between the two front seats saying." Mommy" I shrugged it off as I was either going insane lol or it was just because I was overly stressed. But gosh in the store... That was crazy too. I kinda veered off on my own to get new clothing. (Which sadly was right next to the baby area) as I noticed the baby area my heart sank and I started to tear up. I couldn't help but feel completely Devastated and just shattered. That's when I heard a little voice again,
"Momma, Moma, Mommy, Mommy" I thought I was seriously going insane. But I am a spiritual woman so I thought it is possible that maybe he was trying to get my attention so I kinda tried to say silently but I don't think I did because I was glared at lol by a old lady who probably thought I had gone BONKERS! I said, "What son" and I heard a reply not so much outside as it was in my heart and it said in a soft voice, "I'm here Mommy" I dropped and tried to hold myself together. I mean heck I was in a store lol I couldn't just break down. I've seen videos of people on youtube who just break down and have a nervous break down I didn't want that. So I picked myself up, walked to the bra section and said, "Son I want you here in my belly not as spirit form" and I felt this little cold breeze touch my hand. I decided to open my hand and this little tiny grip held onto it. Felt like my nephews hand when he was around six years old and I just held this little invisible hand for minutes and he told me in my heart that he will be back. I don't fully remember if he said the next pregnancy will be a girl but he did say he'd have a sister and then he'd be back :)
By this time my husband came back and I begged him to not walk by the babys stuff but we did (I didn't want to be soured from everything because of this freak accident) but It was too soon. I couldn't take it.
I turned to my husband and once again glared at by many onlookers as I cried in his chest and shook. He rushed me out of that area. Then we went and got his cooler
We drove home with a leak in our power steering (Someone vandalized our rig in the parkinglot) but we made it.
Got into a hotel in Sweet Home and my Husband wanted to do a Viking Burial. But the weather wasn't good enough. I started chain smoking and was dealing with pain mentally and physically. Only time we could See Drako was when we changed out his ice. :( But I snuck peaks of him at times. I wasn't ready to let him go any time soon but one day about a week later I felt it was time and we took him to the morgue and the guy did a free cremation for him. He told me that he had done a few babies before and that our son was the best looking and best preserved he's ever seen. He knew that we loved our son more then anything :)
Few days later we came and got the news paper with his obituary and we picked up his ashes. His ashes stayed with us until we got married a month later.
The next year is kinda a blur. Lots of Drama, Lots of pain. Suffering on both parts. My husband Lost his job because of the time off he did for the funeral and time we were in Portland. After that we lived house to house. Moved to Texas in 2014 hoping for a new start. But I got deeper and deeper in a depression. I went to some places and asked for help with my depression told them my story and they told me I wasn't depressed enough to be considered for immediate help.
Eventually I knew what would help me and I ran with it. :) There was this kitten next door that needed to be saved. She was so sickly and was going to die. She wasn't more then a month old if that. A baby kitten. My husband asked if that would make me happy and I told him yes. So... We got her food, went to the neighbors and asked if we could take he and he was more then willing to let us. I held her like I held my son and she just looked at me. Weak, shaking, glazed eyes but she just watched me.
We did end up sleeping in our car in the Texas summer (It was July) my Husband gave up his job so he could stay with me and I could stay in a cool place away from the humidity (It was 100s for days) we stayed in our car for a few weeks staying in hotels when we could. Eventually moved back to Oregon.
The one year anniversary came up very quickly but I dreaded it more then I should have. It wasn't as bad as I thought to be honest. We went to where we let his ashes go and spoke to him. In honor of Drako we decided to let fate decide about children and try again. We expected it to take months. It only took half a month and now were expecting our first little daughter (Which is one reason why I wrote this, she gives me the strength to face this hardship again. It was time to share our sons story)
The weird things is though when Drako was born.... That day a lot of strange things happened. The bathroom door slammed shut (That thing was HEAVY) and locked. That spooked the nurses. lol When Drako left his body the lights above us shook and flickered off and on. Which freaked the nurses and doc out. My husband and I laughed a bit at it. We knew who it was and knew he was a strong boy :)
The hard parts of the loss was.. In Texas I did a photography shoot (Because that's what I do I'm a photographer) and I thought you know it would be a easy peasy walk around and take photos of kids and families. I can do this. It was about 9 months after the loss. It WASN'T just walking around... NOooooo They had me posing little kids with their families for this Dino thing. I was supposed to get the little kids to look up and act scared of this dinosaur they'd Photoshop in. Oh man that was so hard on me. I thought WTH is wrong with me, I'm tough I can do this. My husband caught onto it fast and knew that I wouldn't be able to do it and he kept asking me are you Sure you want to do this honey. He was fully supportive and even though he was doing a job interview He still picked me up the minute I called crying.
It hit me when I saw my hundredth (Felt like that) Little kid that would've been my sons age enjoying the park theme they had set up and the look in their eyes and the magic. It killed me. I felt so bad that I quit right then and there but I couldn't breath, I was going to pass out, I was trying SO hard to hold back the tears. I wasn't there to bring others down but to bring them up and bring them the best experience. I couldn't provide that so I walked. The lady understood, paid me my messily 20 bucks and I went out side chain smoked and waited for my husband lol I couldn't escape the baby stuff though cause just across the way was a infant seminar. I was SO angry with myself that I walked away from that job simply because I "couldn't handle it" but my husband understood, My Mother in law understood. I think I was the hardest on myself to be honest. I pride myself on not being weak and I sure felt weak that day. If I tried it again, I probably would've had the same thing happen. I've come to learn and accept that there are things I just can't do. That doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't even make me weak because I went in there, I tried my hardest, Yes I broke down but I tried lol and that's what my husband spent the next few days telling me :)
This was one of the hardest parts, except for when I held my brothers son (Who was a week younger then my son) I had to hold him before I lost my son and then about almost a year later I was holding him again. Gotta face those fears ya'll and just keep on trucking :)
The photos attached to the link below show our son. He is no longer alive in the photos (Yes, Some might think it's strange but when he's already passed you can't really get photos of him alive and I didn't want to go without photos of him) their are photos of his whole body after the morgue because they took him from me to quickly to get any photos of him. Then their are photos VERY VERY Emotional photos of when I first held him.
Click at your own will.
I'm sharing because I am not ashamed nor saddened by him. He is NOT ugly in my eyes. He's a very handsome baby boy and I am choosing to share these emotionally deep photos in hopes of helping someone who might need the help like I did during the Search for Bladder Obstruction.
IF you came to this because your facing the same situation... Feel free to contact me I'll always help you.
It does get better. :)
Thank you for reading the story of Our son Drako Dawn Lacey.
Raven!
